Go to this url for this sound:
http://margaretnoble.net/blog/metal-roar-shrieks-and-murmurs/comment-page-1/#comment-1481/#comment-148
The sound of a low lawnmower, enough to give you a chill, rises through the air. Then the sound of an elevator, rising through a shaft, eerie enough to give you a fast heartbeat. A sound of slight rubling in the backround, like a low moan of an engine and it’s pistons ramming slowly against it’s metal. Then you hear the complete harmony of all of them together, making an slow, melancholy version of a symphony. Thats what it’s all about. The eerie sounds of the low, ominous objects are enough to scare even the toughest of men.
http://margaretnoble.net/blog/metal-roar-shrieks-and-murmurs/comment-page-1/#comment-1481/#comment-148
The sound of a low lawnmower, enough to give you a chill, rises through the air. Then the sound of an elevator, rising through a shaft, eerie enough to give you a fast heartbeat. A sound of slight rubling in the backround, like a low moan of an engine and it’s pistons ramming slowly against it’s metal. Then you hear the complete harmony of all of them together, making an slow, melancholy version of a symphony. Thats what it’s all about. The eerie sounds of the low, ominous objects are enough to scare even the toughest of men.
a LOW LAWNMOWER AND AN ELEVATOR. Wow, what a great way to describe the way that it sounded.
ReplyDeleteYou also used the word melancholy which I have not heard in a long time. I also liked how you compared it to an engine and a symphony.
You have turned A few clanks of metal into a horrific sound "that would scare even the toughest of men." What a great line to. Your sound was incredible.
I enjoyed how you gave a good and clean idea of what the sound was like. You got straight to the point and skipped the fluff. I also loved how you showed how a person would react to it.
ReplyDeleteThe similes throughout the paragraph are pretty good as well. You showed and not told pretty well within the text. You had good sentence structure that helped the text flow a little better.
One thing you could have done better with was using more descriptive language. The text itself is a little dull and it's a bit to short for the requirements (sentence count).